Monday, September 1, 2014

Something to consider

"The way to find your own North Star is not to think or feel your way forward but to dissolve the thoughts and feeling that make you miserable.  You don't have to learn your destiny--you already know it; you just have to unlearn the thoughts that blind you to what you know."    –Martha Beck

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Thoughtful stuff from Leo

zen habits: The Lies Your Mind Tells You to Prevent Life Changes

Posted: 22 Aug 2014 01:29 PM PDT
By Leo Babauta
The mind is a wonderful thing. It’s also a complete liar that constantly tries to convince us not to take actions we know are good for us, and stops many great changes in our lives.
Scumbag mind.
I’ve had to learn to watch these rationalizations and excuses very carefully, in order to make the changes I’ve made in my life: a healthier diet, regular exercise, meditation, minimalism, writing daily, getting out of debt, quitting smoking, and so on.
If I hadn’t learned these excuses, and how to counter them, I would never have stuck to these changes. In fact, I failed many times before 2005 (when I started changing my life), because these excuses had complete power over me.
Let’s expose the cowardly mind’s excuses and rationalizations once and for all.
First, the main principle: the mind wants comfort, and is afraid of discomfort and change. The mind is used to its comfort cocoon, and anytime we try to push beyond that comfort zone very far or for very long, the mind tries desperately to get back into the cocoon. At any cost, including our long-term health and happiness.
OK, with that in mind, let’s go into the excuses:
  1. I can’t do it. It seems too hard, so we think we can’t stick to the change. We don’t believe in ourselves. This can be countered from the fact that many other people no more capable than us have done it. For example, Oprah ran a marathon a little before I started training for my first marathon, and so I told myself, “If Oprah can do it, so can I!” I was right.
  2. He/she can do it, but that doesn’t apply to me. Just because someone else can do it, doesn’t mean we can, right? We look for reasons they can do it but we can’t — maybe he can be a minimalist because he has no kids, or is a freelancer rather than someone with a real job. Maybe she’s way, way fitter than I am, so she can run a marathon. Maybe she doesn’t have all the obligations I have, or has a supportive spouse, or doesn’t have a crippling health condition. OK, fine, it’s easy to find excuses: but look at all the other people who have worse obstacles than you who’ve done it. I have 6 kids and still managed to change a lot of things in my life. Stories abound of people with disabilities or illnesses who overcame their obstacles to achieve amazing things. Your obstacles can be overcome.
  3. I need my ___. Fill in the blank: I need my coffee, my cheese, my soda, my TV shows, my car, my shoe collection … these are things we convince ourselves we can’t live without, so we can’t make a change like becoming vegan or eating healthier or unschooling our kids or simplifying our lives or going car-free. And I’ve made these excuses myself, but they all turned out to be lies. I didn’t need any of that. The only things you really need are basic food, water, clothing, shelter, and other people for social needs. Everything else is not a real need.
  4. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Sure, I agree with this statement (as many of us would) but the problem is this is used to justify all kinds of crappy behavior. Might as well scarf down those Doritos and Twinkies, because hey, life is meant to be enjoyed, right? No. You can do without junk food and still enjoy life. You can exercise and enjoy it. You can give up pretty much anything and still enjoy life, if you learn to see almost any activity as enjoyable.
  5. I need comfort. This might also be true, but we can push ourselves into more discomfort than we let ourselves believe. We can be a bit cold, instead of needing to be at the perfect comfortable temperature. We can do hard exercise, instead of needing to lay around on the couch. We can write that thing we’ve been procrastinating on — it might be hard, but we can push through that. When our minds seek comfort, don’t let them run — push a little bit outside the comfort zone, and begin to be OK with a bit of discomfort.
  6. I don’t know how. This is also true, but you can learn. Start with a little at a time, and learn how to deal with this new change. Do some research online. Watch some videos. Ask people online how they dealt with it. This is easily overcome with a little effort and practice. In fact, if you do it now, and learn a little at a time, then you’ll be able to do away with this pesky excuse.
  7. I can do it later. Sure, you can always do it later … but your later self will also feel the same way. Why should the later self be more disciplined than your current self? In fact, because you’re allowing yourself to slide now, you’re building a habit of procrastination and actually making is less likely that your future self will be more disciplined. Instead, do it now, unless there’s something more important that you need to do … don’t let yourself slide just because you don’t feel like it.
  8. One time won’t hurt. This is so tempting, because it’s kind of true — one time won’t hurt. Assuming, that is, that it’s only one time. One bite of chocolate cake, one missed workout, one time procrastinating instead of writing. Unfortunately, it’s never actually just one time. One time means your brain now knows it can get away with this excuse, and the next “one time” leads to another, until you’re not actually sticking to something. Make a rule: never ever believe the “one time” excuse. I did this with smoking (“Not One Puff Ever”) and it worked. If you’re going to allow yourself a bite or two of chocolate cake, decide beforehand and build it into your plan (“I will allow myself a fist-sized serving of sweets once every weekend”) and stick to that plan, rather than deciding on the fly, when your resistance is weak.
  9. I don’t feel like it. Well, true. You don’t feel like working hard. Who does? Letting the rule of “I’ll do it when feel like it” dictate your life means you’ll never write that book, never build that business, never create anything great, never have healthy habits. Create a plan that’s doable, and execute it. When the rationalizations like this come up, don’t believe them. Everyone is capable of doing a hard workout even when they’re not in the mood. Everyone can overcome their internal resistance.
  10. I’m tired. Yep, me too. I still did my heavy squat workout today. There is truth to needing rest, and resting when you need it (listen to your body) but this is usually the mind trying to weasel out of something uncomfortable. There’s a difference between being exhausted and needing some rest, and being the little tired we all feel every afternoon. Push through the latter.
  11. I deserve a reward/break. We all deserve that tasty treat, or a day off. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give yourself a reward or break. But if you make this rationalization your rule, you’ll always be on a break. You’ll always be giving yourself rewards, and never sticking to the original plan. Here’s what I do instead: I see sticking to my plan as the reward itself. Going on a run isn’t the thing I have to get through to get a reward — the run is the reward.
  12. Wouldn’t it be nice to stop? This again is our mind wanting to run from discomfort, and of course it’s true — it would be nice to stop if you’re pushing into a discomfort zone for too long. The thing is, the implication is that it would be better to stop, because it would be nice … but that’s a lie. It would be easier to stop, but often it’s better to continue pushing. This excuse almost beat me when I tried to run my 50-mile ultramarathon last December, because honestly it would have been much nicer to stop and not finish the race, especially in the last 10 miles or so. I pushed through, and found out I was tougher than I thought.
  13. The result you’re going for isn’t important. If you’re trying to run a marathon, this is phrased like, “It’s not that important that I finish this”. I’ve used this excuse for learning languages (it doesn’t matter if I learn this) or programming or any number of things I wanted to learn. I’ve used it for writing and exercise and eating healthy food. And while the result might not be that important, the truth is that the process is very important. If you stick with a process that will be better for you in the long run, then you will be better off. But if you let yourself go just because you are uncomfortable and at this moment care more for your comfort than the goal you set out for, you’ll have lots of problems. The goal isn’t important, but learning to stick to things when you’re uncomfortable is extremely important.
  14. I’m afraid. Now, this is the most honest excuse there is — most of us don’t want to admit we’re afraid to pursue something difficult. But it’s also a weaselly way out of discomfort — just because you’re afraid doesn’t mean you can’t do something. You can. I’ve done tons of things I’m afraid of — mostly creating things that I was worried I’d fail at. And while the fear sometimes came true — I didn’t do too well sometimes — the act of pushing through the fear was incredibly important and I learned a lot each time.
I’ve used all of these excuses hundreds of times each, so don’t think I’ve overcome them all. And you can use them in the future too. There’s nothing wrong with giving in sometimes.
The key is to learn whether they’re true, and see your pattern. Here’s what I’ve done:
  1. Notice the excuse. It has way more power if it works on you in the background.
  2. Try to have an answer for the excuse beforehand — anticipate it.
  3. If you give in, that’s OK, but recognize that you’re giving in to a lame excuse. Be aware of what you’re doing.
  4. After giving in, see what the results are. Are you happier? Is your life better? Was it worth it giving in to discomfort?
  5. Learn from those results. If you pushed through and are happy about it, remember that. If you gave in to excuses, and didn’t like the result, remember that.
If you consciously practice this process, you’ll get better at recognizing and not believing these lies. And then, bam, you’ve got your mind working for you instead of against you.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

A blow to my listening for men

I sometimes struggle to have a positive listening for men. My own relationships with partners have all been difficult and disappointing. My unhealthiness attracted weak and unfaithful men. The men in the public eye, politicians, celebrities, are for the most part no better. In addition, my women friends seldom disappoint me the way men do. But I have worked hard over the last couple of decades to have a better sense of men and believing there are some good ones out there.

That faith has been shaken the last several months. Two of my friends have learned that their husbands of many years have been cheating on them for months and not just casually but in serious relationships. The first husband I don't know. I only know the wife and her heartbreak. The second man I do know and I have always believed him to be of high integrity. I'm saddened not only for his wife, my good friend, who is shattered by this, but for men in general. I'm disappointed.

I have been the unfaithful partner. I know how that happens. I also know the hurt it caused my partner and the damage it did to me as well. I am very sad.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The tired days of summer

Summer is my least favorite season. I love the sunshine but only if the temperatures are cool. 75 is about as hot as I want it. When it's cool like that, I love to have my house open, windows and doors, and let in the light and the breezes. But when it's hot (80+), I don't feel very good physically and I don't have much energy. And in the afternoons, I have to close the house up and so it's dark and noisy with fans. I get tired of that very quickly.

This last part of summer, the end of August, Nature seems tired too. The fresh greens of May and the bright greens of early summer are gone. The leaves are big and old and resting, I think, for the change to come. The energy radiating off the cherry tree has slowed way down, maybe due to heat, maybe light, maybe just time.

A part of me is eager for the fall, for the cool, for the energy of the new, as my mind and body still resonate with the beginning of the school year as a time of freshness and clean starts. So this is a good time for me to rest as well.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

A difficult writing project

For the last six weeks, I've been drafting sections of my new book on sugar addiction. As many of you know, I write most mornings on whatever my current project is. Those writing sessions give me a very meaningful start to the day, as writing is a very meaningful activity for me, and when I'm writing fiction, it's a lot of fun.

Writing about my relationship with sugar is very meaningful and not so much fun. In July when I was on retreat, I wrote about 65 questions that I could answer as material for this book. I'm slowly working my way through those questions, but there aren't any glib or clever answers. If this book is going to do for me what I want it to--strengthen my resolve to get sugar-free again and stay that way--I have to look at all the hard stuff that I've been eating over and around rather than sitting with. I have to be rigorously honest and that's hard work.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Accepting an amend

In the 12-step program, Step 9 is about making amends or restitution to people and organizations we have hurt in some way. Last week an old friend sent me an amend. She and I had had a falling out a couple of years ago, a painful misunderstanding in which she needed me to be wrong. I cleaned up my side of it at the time but she couldn't let it go and I chose to break off with her. It was hard to do. We've known each other nearly 50 years, and she was tremendously supportive when I first got sober as she was a year ahead of me in finding AA.

Her path had led her into the law; my path had led me into the arts. Her path had led her into reason and logic; my path, into the emotions and the spiritual. And those differences made our friendship difficult.

A week ago, I dreamed I went to a yoga class and on the next mat was this friend. I was so glad to see her. The next day I thought about sending a note about the dream, my first contact in all this time, but I didn't. And then the amend email came. I thought about my response for several days, then just thanked her for her thoughtfulness and told her about the dream.

I don't know that any more will come of it but something in me eased. I hope something in her eased too.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Courage and Robin Williams

I wasn't a big fan of Robin Williams and I think Mrs. Doubtfire is one of the worst movies ever made. (Nobody could top Dustin Hoffman's transvestite Tootsie.) But I was struck by the huge difficulty many of us face with depression and anxiety and fear. I suffer from the latter two and they have wreaked considerable havoc in my life and led to a lot of addictive behaviors because they make me miserable and I'll do anything to make the misery stop.

When I was coming to the end of my active alcoholism, I didn't know it was the end. I had no hope and, what's more important, no ability to imagine a different future. I think addiction and mental illness are characterized by this lack of imagination. We can only foresee an endless stream of misery. I thought often about suicide in those days, about overdosing on some drug or other. And I could feel myself coming to an edge, a cliff of choice: stay or go. I can't explain why I chose to stay. I had no hope for I knew nothing about AA or treatment but for some reason I chose to stay.

It takes courage to stay but it also takes courage to go. I believe both are admirable.