Today after teaching a class of graduate students, I drove home via Belmont St. and made my last pilgrimage to Saint Cupcakes. They have a wonderful vanilla cupcake with cream cheese frosting that I'm very fond of. I don't go there often and usually only when I'm going to have friends over but lately, I've been going more often and buying a half dozen just for me.
When I got home, I ate three rather quickly. I enjoyed them; they were delicious, but in typical fashion for me, it was less about the taste than getting satisfied. I've learned that more and more, when I eat sweets, I'm not looking for the taste, the deliciousness of them, but rather to have some restlessness, some craving shut off. That was the same thing I looked for in the last years I drank. I wasn't tasting the wine or the bourbon, I was looking to get okay, to feel complete in some way that I wasn't without it.
I don't know what is going to happen with that restlessness when I stop eating sugar, when I go cold turkey on Sunday. I'd been fooling myself for a while that I was weaning myself off sugar but that isn't really true. So it's abstinence starting Sunday.
Tomorrow I'll eat the other three cupcakes and maybe some of the other sweets that are in the house but everything left over will have to go tomorrow night into the trash. Wish me luck!