Saturday, February 13, 2010

The final lonely treats

I've spent the day eating sugar. Maple bars, chocolate, a truly wonderful doughnut, gelato, the last of the cupcakes. It's excessive even for me and I can eat a lot of sweets left to my own devices. Surprisingly, I don't feel bad. I used to get this way with alcohol toward the end where no amount had any effect on me.

I've just thrown away everything that's left over--part of a dark chocolate bar, some pudding, a pastry that was forgotten a while back in the nether reaches of the fridge. I've put into a bag a box of cookies, a cake mix, and a package of one of my current favorites: Trader Joe's Sweet and Salty Trail Mix, which has peanut brittle in it--I'll take that to my sister tomorrow to give to her kids.

I do need to say I wavered at that last one. I love that trail mix and I wanted to convince myself that because it was mostly nuts, it was a fairly healthy and satisfying food, but of course that was my demon talking, the demon of denial.

I've mentioned what I'm doing to a few people but none of them seemed all that interested. I don't think they realize how huge a thing this is for me, as important perhaps as my entry into a treatment center 20 years ago. When you say you're an alcoholic going to treatment, it's a big dramatic deal. How brave! How courageous! Good for you. Those of us with sugar addiction don't get the same reaction. We're just chronic dieters with little will power. Not many see yet that all addictions are a disease, the same disease, the desire to feel better (not a bad thing) and using excessive amounts of certain substances (not a good thing) to do that.

I feel nervous tonight, and in particular, I feel lonely. A lot like I did the night before I gave up alcohol, my other best friend.


frog said...

I've been thinking a lot about your decision to give up sugar. I've flirted with the idea myself, but sugar is not really my addiction. Carbs in general are, particularly bread & cereal. When I think about giving up those things, I'm filled with anxiety. Much of what you've said about your sugar addiction resonates with my feelings about my comfort foods.

This is definitely a big leap--giving up another thing/place/food that has helped us cope but doesn't really help us be whole. Many hugs and best wishes to you on this journey. Your honesty about these things always encourages me to be more aware in my own choices.

Stephanie M.

Jan Shannon said...

Hi Jill,

I love that you chose Valentine's Day as your first day without sugar. I have in the past given up sugar, dairy, wheat and caffeine all at once. Man, did I feel amazing after the first week or so of feeling awful.

You have inspired me to think again about cleaning up. My food addiction is every bit as dangerous as my alcoholism was--I worry about heart disease, diabetes, and simply being unable to walk or move around much. Maybe I'm almost ready to begin again. Maybe.