I've spent the day eating sugar. Maple bars, chocolate, a truly wonderful doughnut, gelato, the last of the cupcakes. It's excessive even for me and I can eat a lot of sweets left to my own devices. Surprisingly, I don't feel bad. I used to get this way with alcohol toward the end where no amount had any effect on me.
I've just thrown away everything that's left over--part of a dark chocolate bar, some pudding, a pastry that was forgotten a while back in the nether reaches of the fridge. I've put into a bag a box of cookies, a cake mix, and a package of one of my current favorites: Trader Joe's Sweet and Salty Trail Mix, which has peanut brittle in it--I'll take that to my sister tomorrow to give to her kids.
I do need to say I wavered at that last one. I love that trail mix and I wanted to convince myself that because it was mostly nuts, it was a fairly healthy and satisfying food, but of course that was my demon talking, the demon of denial.
I've mentioned what I'm doing to a few people but none of them seemed all that interested. I don't think they realize how huge a thing this is for me, as important perhaps as my entry into a treatment center 20 years ago. When you say you're an alcoholic going to treatment, it's a big dramatic deal. How brave! How courageous! Good for you. Those of us with sugar addiction don't get the same reaction. We're just chronic dieters with little will power. Not many see yet that all addictions are a disease, the same disease, the desire to feel better (not a bad thing) and using excessive amounts of certain substances (not a good thing) to do that.
I feel nervous tonight, and in particular, I feel lonely. A lot like I did the night before I gave up alcohol, my other best friend.