Thursday, March 25, 2010

Lighter and lighter

"I can't get over how you look," said my friend Kathie, when she arrived this afternoon. At first, I thought she was talking about my hair. I've been wearing it shorter since I stopped eating sugar. It seemed another change I could make that would give me a boost.

But when I mentioned my hair, she shook her head. "That's not it. There's something about you that looks, I don't know, different."

When I look in the mirror, I don't seem different to me, not how I look anyway. But inside, I'm feeling different: shame-free for one thing. I hadn't realized how much the sugar abuse and my feelings about it had weighed on me. Knowing I was evading important aspects of my life, knowing I was doing unhealthy things to my body, knowing it was wrong. After a binge, I'd feel shame and remorse and fear for my health. I'd feel disgusted with myself because I knew it was wrong and I couldn't seem to stop.

Now I don't feel any of that. I still occasionally overeat, especially if I get too hungry, go too long between meals. Then I tend to eat too fast and my body doesn't have a good chance to register fullness. But I usually notice and slow down and then stop.

I've also had some dramatic experiences of letting go of old feelings since I saw Kathie and maybe that release of old angst is also registering on my face. Whatever it is, I do feel lighter and brighter somehow. And it was interesting to me that she noticed.

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