Three weeks ago, I saw Beverly Martin, an amazing intuitive who speaks to the spirit guides who support us. I wanted to know if I was on the right path, what else I needed to do for my own healing, for my creative work, for how I am with others.
One of the suggestions from the guides was to do a special kind of throat clearing--that my ability to speak up for myself was being hindered by a kind of psychic lint or fluff that was making it hard for me to be clear with myself and others. They suggested that I dig a slanted hole in the earth, speak into it all the remaining issues I have with my mother (that's what they identified as holding me back), then bury the words in the earth and let the earth heal it.
Yesterday afternoon in the warm spring sunshine, I had the place to myself for 3 hours and took on this suggestion. Out in the big yard a number of trees have been planted and one of them is mine, as much as a tree can belong to anyone. It is a golden birch and was a Christmas gift from my sister and brother-in-law. I love having a tree as a gift, a tree I can visit and have a relationship with in more personal way.
So I took the little trowel out and dug gently down about a foot into the earth at the base of the tree, then I lay down on my belly and talked to my mother and to the earth.
These kinds of ceremonies, of rituals, often strike me as corny, especially if I'm doing them by myself, but I just started talking. I didn't censor what I had to say, I spoke out loud, and said quite a bit, encouraging myself to pull up any last resentments, any last clung-to anger or sadness and then to ask for what I want. And then I surprised myself by sobbing for several minutes. Something deep again shook loose and I felt lighter for the releasing of it.
I want more of this to happen. I want the old fears that have kept me sedating with sugar for so long to move on through. I don't know what else is there to come up or how it will release but I'm ready.