Food recovery guru Geneen Roth says there are only two rules to food addiction recovery. Eat what your body (not your mind) wants when you're hungry. Don't eat when you're not hungry. In order to get there, you need to spend most of all your time in the present moment. It's in the present moment that we know if we're hungry or not, in the present moment that we can tune in to our bodies and what they really need.
I don't want to do this. I want to eat whenever I think I might be hungry or might be getting hungry, when I have room for food. That isn't the same thing. And I don't want to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry. I want to stop eating when I'm sated. That isn't the same thing either.
Last night after dinner I tried to be in the present moment and not eat any more. It was excruciating. I thought about working some more or watching a DVD but that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to eat more, yet, again, still. I did not want to sit with my feelings or be in tune with my body.
I could not convince myself that being present with my restlessness was actually more fulfilling than being numb, even if Roth makes an argument that it is. Finally I drank three glasses of water and went to bed. It was the best I could do.