Saturday, April 17, 2010

Fessing up

No, I didn't eat sugar but I came close and I did binge. Last night my old demons just took me over. After the Writing Friday gang left, I went to run a couple of errands and talked myself into going to Whole Foods, which was just up the block. I bought the oranges and apples that I said I would and then I went over to the snack bar/granola bar section, which is right by the candy bars.

I didn't buy any of those but in the breakfast cereal section, there were other granola bar-like items and I bought a box of 6 organic bars that had peanut butter and low sugar. So they met my criteria for safe foods. I came home, fixed a good dinner, finished it off with one of the oranges I'd bought, turned on Netflix (Life, Season 2, Disc 1) and proceeded to eat all 6 of the granola bars.

Interestingly, it was not about the bars themselves, though they were tasty, but it was about having all I want and nobody to say no (including my Wise Self) and just doing what I damn well pleased. I was tired of being good, being sane, being conscientious.

I didn't have a sugar or fat hangover this morning. That was a blessing and I didn't feel too ashamed or too guilty. After all, I can choose what I want to put in my body. But I felt possessed and not only didn't know how to help myself, I didn't care that I didn't know. Something sad about that.

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