Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Missing my old friend

Looking at the title of this, you may think I'm missing old Jake the cat tonight. And I am. But that's not the old friend I'm referring to. I'm talking about sugar. I'm missing ice cream, having 2 half-gallons of Dreyer's Slow Churn Caramel Delight in the freezer so that I can have as much as I want. And maybe a couple of big chocolate caramel bars in the snack drawer. And maybe some tapioca pudding with whipped cream for a little variety, just in case.

I miss the relief in knowing that it's there, the pleasure in looking forward to it, and I'm especially missing the numbness that would come from eating a lot of it.

I've been restless the last couple of days. After three days of long work hours, I have a bit of a break before more comes in, and I'm trying to rest, relax, take it easy--something I don't do well. And I'm trying very hard not to eat when I'm not hungry. Like right now. I'm not hungry. I had pasta and spinach and a big orange and I'm full. But I want something to eat. I want the process of eating, I want the taste, I want the activity of it. I don't want to do something else. I don't want to sit with it. I want it--whatever the "it" is--to go away and I know if I eat, it will.

Last night, I watched myself eat. A good dinner, a big orange, and two snack bars. I hesitated briefly after the orange but then I went from zero to f--k it in a nanosecond and scarfed down the two bars. The only redeeming thing probably was the two huge glasses of water I drank with them.

I'm 8 weeks abstinent from sugar but I'm not cured. My old escapist relationship with food hovers in the background and I miss it.

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