Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Needing to be bad

Another good session with my spiritual director today. I talked about Friday night's mindless consumption of semi-satisfying low-fat, low-sugar granola bars and feeling possessed by my evil twin, who made me eat 6 in a row with barely a breath between them. (That's not actually true as I did take them one at a time to my TV chair to eat and then had to get up and get another one 4.5 minutes later, but who's counting?)

My evil twin has obviously been sleeping for the past 9 weeks while I've been virtuously off sugar and trying to learn to eat like someone who isn't obsessed. And I was really unable to trace back to what woke her up. Sure, I've been working like a maniac (I'm in the feast phase of feast or famine freelancing) 6 days a week. Sure, I have only a nodding acquaintance with fun. Sure, I'm a hypervigilant whose own constant attention to detail is exhausting, but hey!

My spiritual director and I have had the "learn to be bad in other ways" conversation before. I made a list of 16 ways I could be bad but all of them involved serious harm to myself or others or breaking the law. Things like risky sex or running a red light or shoplifting. It's hard to be bad when you're an enneagram One (we love rules and regulations and take life very seriously). I did try dropping a used tissue on the sidewalk about a year ago but I felt so guilty I had to go back and get it. I guess I could toss an empty plastic bottle in the garbage but I'm not sure that would satisfy anything.

So today we agreed that my goal is probably not being bad, but rather figuring out what I really do want instead, in having what's good be even "gooder." I'll let you know what happens.

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