Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Sizing myself up Part 1

I wasn't always overweight. I was a thin kid, a thin teenager, a thin young adult. I could eat anything and everything and not gain weight. I learned to overeat and drink with no consequences. It wasn't until well into my 30s that weight began to be an issue and even then the gain was so slow as to be almost imperceptible.

Nonetheless, in my late 20s I started dieting. I'm 5 ft 10 and my boyfriend at the time thought my 145 pounds was too heavy so he convinced me to lose 20 pounds. I was stick thin for about a few weeks after a rigorous diet and exercise program but I couldn't sustain the weight loss. Eventually I couldn't sustain the relationship either.

I went back to eating what I wanted and it took a good while to put that 20 pounds back on, about 4 years. By the next long-term boyfriend, I was at 150 and still looking good. I was nervous, anxious much of the time and that burned off the calories. My boyfriend cheated on me for the next 10 years and jealousy and anxiety was a powerful diet, but I still slowly gained weight and when I got sober, I weighed 180. I quickly lost about 20 pounds of bloat but over the next 4 years on a steady diet of sweets, I put on pound after pound after pound after pound until I got fat, really fat.

I've dieted off and on in sobriety. Cleanses, weight watchers, overeaters anonymous. I never did weird fad diets, just cut calories, ate little, but it was all a temporary fix. I never dealt with the emotional and spiritual issues behind it all, and I never wanted to give up my sedative, sugar.

Not until now.

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