Thursday, May 27, 2010

Crazy busy is a form of violence

Since coming back from Florida, I've been mired in crazy busy. I hear people use this term rather proudly, as if it is some badge of honor, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It feels frantic and uncomfortable and for me unhealthy. The same thing that is slowing my progress with food addiction and with deepening my spiritual progress has kept me from posting here the last three days.

First, I came back from Tampa on a high from the conference but with an exhausting 11 hours of airplanes and airports. I coasted on that high on Monday, then crashed on Tuesday but with no space in my schedule to rest. I needed to plunge right back into work and appointments and a birthday party, and dinner with a best friend, and the last of a poetry class, and a promised coaching session with another close friend, and several client appointments, and all the while the busy work schedule loomed in the background and I picked away at it in bits and pieces.

Wednesday I saw my therapist/spiritual director. She had asked me to bring a visual representation of how I want my life to feel. I did two small water colors of spacious fields and open sky and moutains in the distance. That's what I want, I said. Peace and space.

But that's not how I'm living my life. We went on to talk about why not, what prompts me to overfill my schedule (a plethora of interests, a need to be needed by others, an inability to say no when others ask--boundary issues of the people pleaser, not wanting to miss out on opportunities).

But I can so easily see how crazy busy affects my mood and my eating, and keeps me from diving deeper into my spiritual program. Something has to give.

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