I woke at 6 this morning, 3 am for my body. In that way we just know, I knew I was done sleeping. So I got up, promising myself a nap later if I needed it. It seemed better to try to get myself on East Coast time so that tomorrow, when I give my presentation, I'll feel alert all day.
It was already warm and steamy at 6 as the light came on, and I thought vaguely about going out to walk, but I couldn't get up the energy--heat and humidity make me lethargic. I have a hard time remembering when I used to run in the heat of Virginia summers, tho always early or late.
I spent a quiet morning, did a little work, shmoozed a little with participants, but I didn't attend the sessions. Instead I spent time in my cool room with its great view reading and writing. Then after lunch, I went to the spa. The spa is about as big as the hotel itself and has been here since 1950. Newly renovated, it's very swanky. I've had massages for a long while now and even had a pedicure or two but mostly at simple spa shops in Portland.
This was the big time. I got a robe to change into. It was a thick terry cloth robe, which seemed ridiculous as it was steamy and warm in the spa area. And it was too small. One size does not fit all. I went back to the desk and the woman was very apologetic. She said I meant to ask you if you'd like something roomy and she gave me a much nicer, lighter robe. I still felt awkward. I didn't know what to do or where to go and I had no one to do it with. Most of the women were there with friends, several with what looked to be their daughters. And I felt lonely in that way that we longers do.
I had a great massage from a genius therapist who said nothing the whole time, just let me listen to Sade and relax. Then a facial with an aging esthetician (been at it 35 years) who told me all about the Florida winter, her garden, her son, who lives in Park City, Utah, and how I should be caring for my face (and neck). She was a hoot. Last was a pedicure with a quite handsome man, who's been "doing toes" for 17 years. He also talked non-stop, about his catholic upbringing, his marriage at 16, the son he raised by himself, his business as a tile contractor (he continues to do toes to have health insurance for his son and new grandson). It's amazing what people will tell you.
I write all this, not so much to chronicle my day, but as a prelude to how I felt about it. I wanted to do the spa day. It seemed a pampering and luxurious thing to do, but I found it hard to relax because I didn't know what I was doing and that was because I hadn't done it before. I don't know that anybody but me expected me to know what I was doing when I'd never done anything like it, but I sure did and so I was nervous. Nervous at being naked under the robe, ashamed about being so fat I had to get a bigger robe, one that wasn't like anyone else's. Angry that over the last 15 years I've eaten so much sugar and other food that I let myself get that fat Ashamed that I was ashamed. What a cycle!
Gone out of my head were any of the kind things I say to myself when I can remember. I felt alone, I felt uncomfortable, and I was angry with myself. And then I remembered that it was just an experience and not a big deal and it could be any way that it was and that's all it was, the way it was, without judgement or expectation.
So hard to remember.