Saturday, May 29, 2010

The unbearable heaviness of appointments

When I saw Anna, my spiritual director, this week, we talked more about work and food and my calendar. I can see how work and busyness are a part of my whole food/addiction structure. I've kept busy for years, for decades, to not be with the gaping whole in my psyche where well-being might reside. Or where it does reside but is cloaked over by a need for more.

Anna suggested that I immediately clear my calendar of everything and start over, putting in only those things that delight me or interest me or satisfy me. I shrank away at the thought. My work calendar already has many commitments, and it is important to me to have integrity around those commitments. I feel the same issue of integrity around personal commitments. Okay, I can see that I shouldn't have said yes to X, Y, or Z, but I did, and now I feel it imperative to see them through.

So we talked about all that and then she made two good suggestions. That I could put nothing new in my social calendar that wasn't an absolute delight. And that I could go back a couple of months in my calendar and mark my appointments with H (for heavy, burdensome, obligation) and L (for light, delight, fun, energizing) and see what happened.

These steps seem more reasonable to me. I'll let you know what I discover.

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