Friday, June 25, 2010

Hooked by my feelings

I've been in a slump this week. If you live in the Northwest, you know we've had gloomy weather for months (only a handful of days with sun) and so I suspect I've been suffering from UNseasonal affective disorder. But my spiritual director, after talking to me for a few minutes on Tuesday, commented that I was actually beginning to experience my feelings, those feelings I've been stuffing away with food for most of my life.

Anger, sadness, grief, loneliness. I've never really accepted these, never felt at home with them. I grew up in a pleasant household where we were regularly admonished to say nothing if we couldn't say something nice. I learned to say nothing a lot. And now without food to hold all that in, they're bubbling up and it is most unpleasant.

I'm angry that one addiction wasn't enough, that I gave up alcohol and have stayed sober and that isn't enough. I'm angry that my parents helped get me into this mess. I'm angry that I've made a lot of bad choices that have made me even more tentative in my emotional life.

I'm sad for my child self and my adult self and without food, all the pain and difficulty of the world just seems to be too much.

I've felt weepy all week, weepy and scared that I will have to make more big changes in order to stay sober from food.

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