Monday, June 14, 2010

The need to be bad

Yesterday started out great. My gym buddy Melanie and I went to our gym and I pushed hard on the treadmill and then did some serious weight lifting. Felt very proud of myself. I came back and swept out all the dead leaves from the garage. I've been talking about doing that for a month and it took all of 15 minutes. I like things really tidy so that lifted my spirits.

I spent the afternoon working--in spite of the good weather, I had a deadline to meet and I'm coming up on a week off of real vacation (a writing retreat) so that felt all right. I took some breaks in the afternoon. Deadheaded the roses, washed my terrace furniture down---excuses to be outside.

About 5, I was ready to slow down. And just as I did, my evil twin showed up--the one who wants cheetos and granola bars for dinner, the one who likes diet coke, the one who tried to talk me into going to Plaid Pantry. She and I wrestled for about four hours. I gave in to the last of the Cheetos and too many granola bars (not satisfying but I kept eating them anyway). I refused to go the Plaid Pantry for coke or ice cream. But she and I were clearly bingeing, clearly defying common sense and good health.

I wonder sometimes about that side of myself. The one that feels ashamed after and welcomes it. The one who wants to feel like a failure at keeping my word. What a curious dichotomy!

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