Sunday, June 20, 2010

One step forward, three steps back

Friday night I had a small victory. I had a good day with writing friends, got some work done as well, and had dinner with a close friend at a restaurant with both enjoy a lot. I came home though a little letdown and turned on a Netflix and started thinking about eating something else. But as I got up out of my chair to go into the kitchen, for one of the first times, I stopped and thought about it and wondered if I could just sit with it and let go of the craving and the temptation and the discomfort of not eating. And I did. It took about 20 minutes of restlessness and urges to get up and eat something and yet I was able to just sit there and then I got engrossed in the show and each time the habitual nudge came, I just ignored it.

I woke up yesterday feeling very proud of myself and accepting that I can do it if I want to.

But there's the deal. Do I really want to? Do I want to sit in discomfort over and over again? Or do I just want to satisfy the craving and be done with it?

Last night was a different story. I had a good morning, got some work done and a couple of nagging errands completed. But then I was lonely and tired of working and I started eating about 5 and just kept at it. None of the food I ate was very satisfying. I don't have any sweets and no cheetos or other chips or nuts. I ate a couple of granola bars but they satisfied nothing. I just kept eating and I could see that it was crazy. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of it and yet I couldn't stop. And I couldn't imagine anything besides food, really good, yummy, sweet food, that could make me feel better.

I woke up a bit hungover from food and disgruntlement with myself this morning.

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