Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sitting with my feelings

I went to a birthday party today. I ate sanely (fruit salad, half a bagel, a little cream cheese). My friend was kind enough to suggest we head out after 90 minutes and before the cake came around. That felt right to me.
But then after lunch here, I've been eating steadily--fruit, nuts, cheese. Just to keep eating.

I feel almost as stuck as I did before I gave up sugar. Or perhaps I've just peeled off another layer off of the habits and needs that seem to drive this train of feelings and impulses.

I spoke again with my spiritual director of not eating after meals, especially dinner, of sitting with what is. She looked at me and said you know you haven't really given that a try, just sitting with the impulse. And I knew she was right. In many ways, I've just switched what I eat, not tamed the eating impulse itself.

The thing is that I don't want to not eat. I don't want to sit in discomfort and be restless and antsy and unhappy. I just want the problem to go away, to not be there.

When I got sober 20 years ago, I had that restlessness, that irritability, and after a few months, it passed. But I had food then to tide me over. It wasn't the same. It wasn't as swift or effective but it dulled the impulses. Now I just don't want to be uncomfortable. Dang!

No comments: