Friday, July 23, 2010

The Food Committee

I frequently have important insights while talking to my spiritual director, Anna. I was expressing my fatigue with food issues Wednesday, with continuing to eat more than I need in order to take care of myself and I had a sudden vision.

Many years ago, I saw my dilemma this way: I am walking down a hallway. On the walls are bad motel-art pictures, on high tables are the kinds of old magazines you might fine at the dentist. I near the end of the hallway, which is a blank wall. But on either side there is a door. If I go left, I enter a white, sweet marshmallow land. If I go right, well, for a long time, the door was locked. And then it was open a bit, and then wide open. But it is only sky. It requires faith to step off and not know where I'll land.

In the vision this Wednesday, I was at the end of the hallway. Standing at the door of the marshmallow room was the Food Addict. She had a seductive voice, a seductive smile, and she promised me I'd feel better right away. Standing up against the blank wall at the end was a prsion matron/drill sergeant with a voice remarkably like my mother's. She had only two words to say to me: "Will power." And then she showed me the spot on the wall that I could beat my head against.

To the right was the open door, the sky blue, a fresh breeze. But there was no one there to beckon me, to help me, to offer me a hand. And I felt so alone, so tired of doing it all myself.

I need to find, evoke, call into being the Wiser, True Self, who can hold my hand as I step off into the unknown.

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