Several weeks ago, I wrote about a misunderstanding with an old friend in which she accused me of lying about something trivial, lying that I didn't do. I still don't know how she jumped to that conclusion or why she is determined to hang on to it. After a few unanswered emails of me explaining what I thought might have happened and apologizing for my part in any miscommunication, I let it be.
I spent some time thinking about how this relationship hasn't worked well for a long time, how much I hold back in my conversations with her for fear of her judgements, how little space there seems to be for me to be who I am becoming. And I realized I was hanging on to the relationship for two reasons: I'd known her 45 years and I don't like to have anybody mad at me.
When I think about what's important to me now--intimacy, honesty, spirituality, generosity--none of that shows up for me there in any reciprocal way. So I wrote to her and said I was going to take a sabbatical from our relationship. She finally emailed a response--no apology but then I didn't expect one--and said we were just headed in two different directions. She may not know how true that is.
I feel some sadness and some discomfort as I suspect she thinks ill of me, that all this is my fault, but I'm really okay with that. I've taken responsibility for my part and that's all I can do.