Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Six months and the return of the demon

Saturday Aug 14 marked six months off dessert. Six months since I made a commitment to shift my relationship with food. A lot has changed in those six months. I've lost about 20 pounds without dieting. I've survived several birthday parties with very attractive cakes, one cupcake extravaganza and a couple of times watching somebody eat ice cream. I've discovered which energy bars are low-sugar enough and low-fat enough so that the yummy-eat-several factor doesn't kick in. I've learned that dried fruit and fresh fruit and even Cheetos won't get me where I want to go: satisfyingly numb from whatever feelings are paining me, so there's little point in overeating them.

I've watched the TV/eating phenomenon get clearer and clearer. I've noticed when I'm unsatisfied by times with others (I come home and eat) and when I'm satisfied by times with others (I don't eat).

And Sunday when I came home from a lovely brunch and took a long nap and woke up and felt lonely and disconnected after the intensity of the morning, I had the first serious craving for ice cream that I've had in six months. For some seconds, maybe 20 or 30, I was miseraable. I really had to have it. And I watched it and let it go and fixed some dinner even though I wasn't really hungry for food. I couldn't stay with the feeling any longer than that but I didn't act on it.

1 comment:

sorella said...

Dear Jill,

First, CONGRATULATIONS! What a phenomenal accomplishment, to be 6 months without dessert/processed sugar!

Second, it's interesting to me, what you articulated about the connection between coming home from a fabulous brunch, and ice cream cravings later that day. After our great Wed. Women meeting, I came home and spent about two hours on the Internet, surfing and e-mailing. "Wow," I thought when I came up for air, "what was that about?"

And then it happened again several days later: I had a highly fulfilling social interaction, and came home and spent way too much time on the computer. I suspected at that time that I was craving more social time, more meaningful intimacy with loved ones, and being on the computer was my compensation for not being able to have those things.

Your blog entry solidifies that observation for me. The difficulty of sitting with mundane life, after the exhilaration of connecting with people. And you know I can sit in a meditative state for hours, so it's not that I don't enjoy doing nothing for large chunks of time. I need to ponder what the fuel is for this dissatisfaction, but I wanted to write and say "yes, I've experienced something very similar to what you wrote about." We're all in this healing cycle with its ups and downs, in one way or another.