Friday, August 20, 2010

to just be or not to just be--that is the question

Well, I've just eaten three organic peanut chip low-fat, low-sugar granola bars. These are the tastiest ones in my acceptable snack drawer--the ones that come closest to a candy bar. That's the bad news.

Here's the good: I consciously chose each bar and I consciously ate it. That's a step up from the mindlessness of much of my overeating. The kind where I find myself in the kitchen with a third serving of you-name-it in hand and I don't remember deciding to get up once, let alone three times, and I don't remember eating the other two servings.

I also knew this was a dangerous time. 4 pm on a Friday afternoon. The Writing Friday gang had just left and I had that what-am-I-going-to-do-with-myself feeling. There wasn't work to plunge into (the projects coming my way are delayed). I felt at loose ends with energy I didn't know what to do with and lost and lonely in my feelings. I used to berate myself for feeling this way, for being letdown and disappointed when peak experiences were over. Now I just know that that's what happens to me. But I still don't like it and I don't deal with it well.

As I stood there at the drawer and made my decision, consciously, I found that I couldn't face just being, even though that might have been kinder to myself in the long run. All I could think of was "screw that...I don't want to be kind to myself in the long run, I want to fix it now."

For that is the question. Can I just be with what is? with what I'm feeling without running away, without bolting as Geneen Roth says. Can I tolerate what seems intolerable?

I know that things are shifting for me, towards more courage, more ability to stay. I just don't seem to be there quite yet.

At least I stopped at three.


Beren deMotier said...

Yes, you stopped at 3. And you chose it, it didn't just happen. And that post-project let-down is intense! My "but-I-want-ice-cream" substitute is cereal. My favorite is Quaker Oatmeal Squares. And I get the smug satisfaction of consuming useful calories.

sorella said...

I think this is a huge healing step. To identify what was happening, and to be tuned in while choosing acceptable food -- all of these are such new, wonderful behaviors. Bravo! I empathize with the post-group letdown; I was fortunate to have Leslie picking me up, and I had "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" to come home to.