Well, I've just eaten three organic peanut chip low-fat, low-sugar granola bars. These are the tastiest ones in my acceptable snack drawer--the ones that come closest to a candy bar. That's the bad news.
Here's the good: I consciously chose each bar and I consciously ate it. That's a step up from the mindlessness of much of my overeating. The kind where I find myself in the kitchen with a third serving of you-name-it in hand and I don't remember deciding to get up once, let alone three times, and I don't remember eating the other two servings.
I also knew this was a dangerous time. 4 pm on a Friday afternoon. The Writing Friday gang had just left and I had that what-am-I-going-to-do-with-myself feeling. There wasn't work to plunge into (the projects coming my way are delayed). I felt at loose ends with energy I didn't know what to do with and lost and lonely in my feelings. I used to berate myself for feeling this way, for being letdown and disappointed when peak experiences were over. Now I just know that that's what happens to me. But I still don't like it and I don't deal with it well.
As I stood there at the drawer and made my decision, consciously, I found that I couldn't face just being, even though that might have been kinder to myself in the long run. All I could think of was "screw that...I don't want to be kind to myself in the long run, I want to fix it now."
For that is the question. Can I just be with what is? with what I'm feeling without running away, without bolting as Geneen Roth says. Can I tolerate what seems intolerable?
I know that things are shifting for me, towards more courage, more ability to stay. I just don't seem to be there quite yet.
At least I stopped at three.