Sunday, September 19, 2010

Rebellion at Camp Shingles

Okay, I've had it. I've been really pleasant about this since my meltdown and comeback 10 days ago but enough is enough. I'm tried of low energy, tired of pain and itching, tired of feeling creepy in my own skin. I so appreciate what those with chronic pain go through and I don't want it.

On Wed, I took half a vicodin, first narcotics to cross my lips in 21 years, other than a post-surgery morphine drip for a few hours when I had my gallbladder removed. In a half-hour I was stoned and the pain went on and it was worse stoned. So I'm not taking any more of that. Other potential drugs have big side effects (like suicidal thoughts. Don't need those.

The pain is not unbearable. It's just very wearing and makes working and reading and doing any of the things I like to do not much fun.

I'm trying hard to be grateful. I don't have it in my mouth or my groin or my internal organs. It isn't life-threatening or going to ruin my vision. But I would very much like to sleep and be able to just be without the constant reminder of a zombie virus in my body.

Guess I'm out of recipes for lemonade. Where is Pollyanna when I need her?


Jan Shannon said...

Sounds like a good fit of rage is in order!

Seriously. For me, being all Zen and cool and seeing the best and getting the lesson just isn't the point sometimes, and I have to let myself feel all the rage I hold down most of the time behind the mask of social acceptability.

My family doesn't get it, and sometimes I feel remorseful when it scare them, but menopausal me has been letting it all hang out lately. And it feels pretty fucking good.

sorella said...

Dear Jill,

Suggestions, based on your past comments: see your massage therapist this week, before Thursday. Call your naturopath, see if she can recommend anything for pain. If she can't, call A Woman's Time, mention my name, see if you can get in to see anybody (they're all great) to get some non-narcotic relief! And like Jan writes -- let yourself feel how you're feeling! Keep writing blog posts to vent, vent, vent all of that turmoil!