I don't think of myself as a control freak or somebody who always needs to have her own way. But over the past few days, I've come up against some discomfort that sure looks like a control issue.
I'm headed off to the beach with a group of other women writers. I'm pretty used to organizing events like this but I'm not organizing this one. I'd love to be the kind of flexible person who says, yippee, it's not mine to take care of. Instead, I've been fretting about getting the details of who's cooking when and when we can check in, and I didn't get that information until yesterday. This made me anxious (until I got it).
Second, I've been to this house before and stayed in a room that really suited me. It was one of the nicer rooms of the 6 bedrooms and hadn't been chosen by anyone when I got there. Well, I want that room again. I want it because it's nice but even more I want it because it's familar. Mostly I want it because then I will know where I'll be and what it will look.
I think that's at the crux of all of this. My growing-up home was emotionally unpredictable. I couldn't control any of that, but I could control where I was and what I was doing and when I could plan things out in detail, I felt like I had some power over what happened. I think it's those old anxieties that get triggered in these situations. It's the not knowing, that's the issue. And it's a form of vulnerability I'm reluctant to share with anyone.
My spiritual director suggested I practice going with the flow over the next week. It astounded me how much resistance came up at the mere suggestion of that. Lots to consider here.