Sunday, November 14, 2010

Furtivity

I don't think "furtivity" is a word but it is a condition of those of us who are in recovery from anything addictive. Being furtive about our substances of choice, hiding, sneaking, not sharing, are a part of the deal for many of us. We are ashamed of our need and at the same time desperate to fill it.

Last night, three of us drove into town to get stuff that none of us had thought to bring (a sponge, butter, chicken soup for those three of us suffering with the crud that's going around). I went because I needed some vitamins and hadn't wanted to stop on my way out of town. But once I got into the Safeway and went my own way from the other two, I was struck wtih that old furtive feeling. In my past, and pretty recent past, I'd have cruised the candy aisle and made a beeline for the self-checkout stations, my debit card ready so that my transaction would be speedy and unnoticed. I would also have purchased only things I could jam in my pockets or stuff in my purse.

I realized I didn't need to do that. There wasn't anything I was going to buy that I was ashamed of. I could just relax and get what I needed and walk boldly and proudly toward the cash registers.

I felt a version of the same thing this morning. My laptop has crashed and I hoped I'd be able to fix it by connecting with better wifi than we have here at the house. No such luck but the coffee shop I tried was right across from a grocery and I had that same feeling of furtivity. Old, old triggers.

1 comment:

sorella said...

Dear Jill,

"Furtivity." What a great word! There's a poem in that word, and in your wonderful ability to note and share your "old, old triggers." How marvelous that you were able to see furtivity, then tip your hat and walk right on by.

hugs