Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Holiday parties and no dessert

I hosted a birthday party for old friends tonight. Someone else brought the requested dessert. The four-minute rule definitely applied but even though they ate quickly, I was uncomfortable. However, I just let myself feel that and watch myself feel that and I was okay. After they left and I was finishing the dishes, I fixed myself a bowl of fresh pineapple. But it wasn't what I wanted of course.

This isn't the first holiday season I've been off sugar. There have been holidays in the past when I've been dieting or have given up sugar for 3 months or until the New Year. But this is the first year that I've had the commitment to stay off it. And that meant something tonight and I hope it will continue to mean something.

In several ways, I am more nervous around sugar than I am around alcohol. Some of it is long abstinence from alcohol. This is my 22nd holiday season with no booze. It's familiar now; the decision not to drink has happened hundreds, maybe thousands of times now.

But sugar abstinence is infinitely newer, less solid. And that isn't the only thing. If I took a drink or asked for one, I think my friends would be shocked, horrified and they would do everything they could to talk me out of it (tell me to go to a meeting, call my sponsor, rethink it all). Even the non-alcoholics know how dangerous alcohol is for someone like me.

But with sugar, I don't think anyone would think much of it. They might be surprised or just assume that I had it handled or had changed my mind about the parameters of my commitment. As a culture, we are coming to understand alcoholism a little better. But sugar addiction is less understood, even scoffed at in some circles.

What this means to me is that it a lonelier place, staying off sugar, than staying off alcohol. And that's what I was feeling tonight. Lonely in my commitment.


Can Dogan said...

They say if something is great it's either unhealthy, illegal or forbiden by religion. Either way your commitment is a sign of your strong will. If that is what you want, and what you need, than I say continue. Even if it means for you to walk alone in the path. Because we walk alone on the paths we choose. We just sometimes meet people on the way.

sorella said...

Dear Jill,

Here's one friend who would very much be shocked and horrified if you busted out any kind of sugary treat in her presence!