Sunday, November 21, 2010

Tempted to slide

I spent last night and this morning with members of my family. It was my nephew's 19th birthday and we all went out to dinner. I ordered wisely: salad and a pasta dish that seemed pretty simple (chicken,noodles, broth). But then Miles got a celebratory apple crisp that looked so fabulous and I was so tempted to have a bite. I love fruit crisps with vanilla ice cream and I had such a longing.

Then this morning, I ordered wisely again. But there was a lot of talk about apple pie (my sister makes fabulous pie) and there's been a bumper crop of apples on her trees and she'd so be happy to make one and freeze it for me, and I almost asked if she would, thinking that would be a safe exception to no dessert. And yet I could tell by how I felt, that sense of furtivity again, and I didn't ask.

I can feel creeping up on me a dangerous time coming. Not only is it the holidays but it's been 9 months and I don't usually last past this with abstinence from sugar. I get tired of being good, tired of doing the right thing, wanting to rebel.

I get a longing to be a normal person, a normal eater, someone who can eat dessert once in a while. Hell, even have a drink once in a while. I know the longing will pass but it feels hard right now.


sorella said...

Dearest Jill,

Your deeper instincts are guiding you to that tough place of "no sugar," which is great -- you've identified yet again how you are re-wiring yourself, are in that difficult time of transition. I would recommend that you give that inner brat, that rebel, her time in the sun. How could you do that without alcohol or sugar?


LC said...

I know that temptation well -- for me eating too much of things that get the sugar levels out of kilter. Thanksgiving is coming up, and holidays are among the occasions when temptation to slide is strongest. Others are a houseful of grandkids and travel! Best wishes!

Jan Shannon said...

Hang in there, Jill. This layer of recovery is as important and rewarding as getting sober. Your life is worth it.

LC said...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I was thinking of you and your mountains to climb and those you have already climbed. Sending prayers your way for a day of giving thanks for how you are strong individual, wonderfully and uniquely made.