I spent last night and this morning with members of my family. It was my nephew's 19th birthday and we all went out to dinner. I ordered wisely: salad and a pasta dish that seemed pretty simple (chicken,noodles, broth). But then Miles got a celebratory apple crisp that looked so fabulous and I was so tempted to have a bite. I love fruit crisps with vanilla ice cream and I had such a longing.
Then this morning, I ordered wisely again. But there was a lot of talk about apple pie (my sister makes fabulous pie) and there's been a bumper crop of apples on her trees and she'd so be happy to make one and freeze it for me, and I almost asked if she would, thinking that would be a safe exception to no dessert. And yet I could tell by how I felt, that sense of furtivity again, and I didn't ask.
I can feel creeping up on me a dangerous time coming. Not only is it the holidays but it's been 9 months and I don't usually last past this with abstinence from sugar. I get tired of being good, tired of doing the right thing, wanting to rebel.
I get a longing to be a normal person, a normal eater, someone who can eat dessert once in a while. Hell, even have a drink once in a while. I know the longing will pass but it feels hard right now.