Monday, December 20, 2010

The post-birthday blues

Saturday morning I had breakfast with a very close friend and a lovely conversation that was deep and intimate, the way it always is when we are together. Then we went to a class we're taking on Creative Aging. That too was the most satisfying it's been and I went home happy.

But not for long.

I got home and the apartment was empty and I didn't have any work to ground me or give me structure and I flailed for a bit and then started watching TV and eating. It was very much like the old drinking days. A lone Saturday afternoon with no plans, a big letdown after the very socially engaged Friday and Friday night and Saturday morning and early afternoon. I was alone with me and I wasn't good company.

I feel this way often after a vacation. I'm glad to be home, glad to see my cats, but I feel at loose ends, especially if the vacation time has been joyous and intense. I want more of that kind of high. And the two days of birthday celebration had been a high.

I ate off and on for six hours. I didn't binge on sugar, didn't have any, but of course, there are plenty of things to overeat. The next day I felt lousy and it was good to work out.

I know there is something deep here that needs to shift, some way of being that I can't sit through or be with, that I run from through distractions, TV and eating or work. Saturday afternoon I so wanted ice cream, several gallons, and no one watching. I had the latter, not the former.

I can feel myself really close to knowing something, close to shifting. And yet...

1 comment:

sorella said...

Dear Jill,

I know exactly the feeling you are referring to. I am in the middle of it right now, longing to be connected with people rather than being by myself and doing household chores, getting ready for tonight's rehearsal. So I am spending too much time on the Internet this morning. Sigh.

I think it's a big, wonderful deal that you did not turn to any of your old toxic "companions" to make it through your post-birthday blues. And I am going to move away from the computer after I post this comment. Sometimes it's all about the subtle, incremental yet significant steps.