Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Post-retreat letdown

Yesterday my friend Bridget and I were congratulating ourselves on escaping the post-retreat letdown we've experienced in the past. Then this morning as I sat writing in my journal and felt like crying and couldn't bear the thought of anything that was on my schedule, I started to laugh. There it was.

It didn't take me long to recognize it (perhaps because of the conversation with Bridget), and I let myself relax into the missing of the serenity and single focus (writing) of my life on retreat. Up there I am able to let go of most of my worries and concerns about the world (we get no news), about my aging cat (now waking me up 5-6 times a night as he moves closer to death), about my own concerns about changing relationships, eating issues, money worries--the "real" life stuff that goes on hold. Life is simpler on retreat, a sort of easier, softer way as we term it in AA.

Instead I've been back a week now. I see how Reinie is deteriorating rapidly and how a hard decision about his welfare is looming straight ahead, how I'm back to eating in front of the TV, how paid work seems a little light for this time of year, how some long-time significant relationships are changing as I change and there's a lot of discomfort and some farewells coming up.

So I can resolve to be even kinder to myself, seek wise counsel, exercise, rest during the day to compensate for the lack of sleep, and keep spaciousness front and center in my desires.

No comments: