Friday, February 11, 2011

Gearing up for the next change

February 14 is right around the corner. It'll be a year since I stopped eating dessert. I tell people I stopped eating sugar but that isn't strictly true, as you'll know if you've been following this blog. I eat jam once in a while on my toast, been known to sprinkle brown sugar on my oatmeal, eat a sweetened yogurt for a snack, eat fruit popsicles, and low-sugar granola bars. But I haven't had ice cream in 15 months and it's been a year since chocolate of any kind or candy or pie or cake or cookies or pudding or scones or doughnuts or maple bars or pastries have crossed my lips.

After the first few weeks, the cravings for specific foods really settled down. It was unpleasant but I didn't go crazy as I suspected I might, not out of some sense of exaggerated response but really believing that all that sugar was keeping me grounded. I've learned that that is not the case.

Do I miss it? I miss the flavors. But what I really miss is the heedlessness of it that I wrote about some weeks back. I enjoyed being totally free and relaxed around food. Eat whatever I want, when I want, in the quantity that I want with no concern for health or weight or anything. I miss that feeling of carefree, do what I please. As a chronically good girl, I don't really have that in any other place in my life any more. I don't do sex indiscriminantly any more, don't drink alcohol, don't eat sweets. I've tried eating a lot of cheetos (salt bloat and orange fingers) and even tried eating a lot of fruit popsicles, but it's a half-hearted effort that brings no satisifaction on the heedless scale.

I'm gearing up on Monday to start the next phase of my commitment: to stop eating anything in front of the TV. I currently eat dinner there when I'm alone, which is most nights, and then I snack on whatever's handy. It's all pretty healthy but it's still a lot of extra food and it's still mindless. I'm not even conscious most of the time of getting up from the chair to go get more. So it may take some self-training to break this very old habit. One of the women in my Women and Food group is going cold turkey from all distractions while she eats: reading, computer, journaling. I'm not willing to do that yet. But someday.

I have some of the same fears as last year. My inner whiner is on and on about how miserable I'm going to be. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'll feel lighter, freer, more real in my life. That's what I'm hoping. Stay tuned.

PS The new photo is an old one of Reinie, the Old Boy, in his prime. Isn't he handsome?

1 comment:

Lily Gael said...

Thinking of you and the changes you are inviting into your life come Feb 14th.

...and, yes, Reinie, hmmm, handsome catGuy as a younger one and may I add, in my opinion, still handsome in his parting days.

Lily Gael