Sunday, February 13, 2011

An old mode

Found myself back in an old mode of operation this weekend. I'm leaving for Nashville Wednesday morning and in order to come back to a reasonable amount of work, I needed to do an unreasonable amount this weekend. I still had only three things on my to-do list each day but some of them were really, really big.

Yesterday, I did an extra cardio push at the gym and fueled by an endorphin high, I got crackin' early, did two projects, run four errands, and then put in 6 hours writing a paper. I felt good, productive, capable, needed--all those things that feed my workaholism. I had a quiet evening, watching TV, savoring my second-to-the-last night of eating in front of it.

Today I woke up sad, cranky, miserable. I cut myself some slack this morning but then pushed myself to the desk and three more projects, finishing about 6:30. I should feel great. Got it all accomplished, ready to relax. Instead, I find myself in an old familiar place, all revved up and nowhere to go. I've got one more big project to do before Wednesday and I'm having trouble not starting it even though I'm tired and have no real brain power left to apply.

This is an old mode, this working too much and then not knowing what else to do with myself. When I get out of balance like this, it's hard to get back in. I've got all kinds of rationalizations but none of them work. I'm out of sync with my own best interests. Time to move back into spaciousness.

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