Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Reinie Kelly 1992-2011

I said goodbye to my dear old boy this afternoon. When he dipped low in his life force last week, I called and arranged for the home vet to come. Then he perked up the last couple of days, throwing me into agonizing indecision again. Curiously the indecision was all in my head: rational voices saying he might have a couple more months, that I should wait. But in my heart, I knew it was time.

Last night I went to bed very sad. I knew it was his last night with me. I was soothed only by knowing that he didn't know. And yet I wonder. He seldom sleeps on the bed, preferring in the last few months a corner of the bedroom rug. Yet he cried to come up right away and lay down right by my shoulder and looked right in my eyes. I petted him, I talked to him, I told him everything that was in my heart. He's deaf, been deaf for a year, but I could tell he read me. We stayed like that for nearly an hour. I cried a lot, he stayed right by me. Then we both went to sleep. When I awoke a couple of hours later, he was on the rug in his usual spot.

Despite the rain, he wanted out several times today. He followed me around. Was it more than usual? It felt like it to me. Before the vet came, I was wracked with indecision. And my wonderful friend Melanie helped me think through it. Or rather she encouraged me to listen to my heart. And I think it was mostly just grief and I wanted the grief to go away. Once the vet came, it all seemed clear what I needed to do.

There was only one bad moment. He balked at the sedative and it took him a while to relax. But then I just held him and it was okay, okay for him, I think, and okay for me.

I rang the meditation bell twice at his passing.

I'm leaving in the morning for Nashville for a week of retreat. That seems a wonderful gift right now--to be immersed in story and countryside with loving friends. I carry Reinie with me on the journey, tucked safe into my heart. Wherever he is on his journey, I know I'm in his heart as well.


Brendan M said...

Lovely meditation, will be missed.

Amy Livingstone, M.A. said...

Sweet Reinie. I know that heartache, dear friend. My heart goes out to you. So glad I got to see him one last time at the writing group. Such a sweet little spirit. He will be missed.

Lily Gael said...

Thinking of you Jill. At last money meeting Reinie came out to group for just a moment. He walked right to me and bumped his head against my hand. Goodbye? It felt like it. And also felt like a reminder to me to assure you that you did best by him, he loved his life with you; you were the love of his life.