Monday, April 11, 2011

The ongoing conversation about food

My friend Kathie, who reads my blog from time to time, asked me why I hadn't been writing about food much lately. After all, she said, wasn't that why I started the blog in the first place?

I've been thinking about this since she asked me, as I had no ready answer. First, it was one of the reasons I started this blog. I'd been meaning to create one for a while and giving up desserts in Feb 2010 seemed a good topic to begin with, chronicling my experience as I moved off the huge quantities of sugar I'd been consuming for years. The blog was also intended as an extension of my memoir, Sober Truths: The Making of an Honest Woman, about my descent into alcoholism and my two decades of sobriety. So all kinds of internal and external conversations seem appropriate to me to include.

But that doesn't answer her first questions. I haven't been writing about food because I'm stuck again. I've kept the 20 pounds I lost in the first 6 months of no dessert and my weight hasn't budged from there, mostly I think because other than dessert, I'm eating pretty much anything I want to at any time. I did give up Cheetos, another huge favorite, about 6 weeks ago. I have definite Cheeto cravings (or Cheeto substitutes like clam dip and potato chips or Fritos and bean dip). But other than that, I've been unwilling to take necessary steps to get unstuck and move forward.

I also know why I'm stuck. It's because I've found a dessert substitute: an organic crispy rice peanut butter granola bar. It is pretty low fat and not high in sugar but it is yummy and yummy translates into eating a lot of the yummy item. I have other snack bars that are tasty but one is plenty. But not the pb bars. I can eat 3 or 4 at a time. I don't get the sugar high but I do feel sated and my blood sugar soothed in some way. And I just honestly don't want to give them up and find out what will happen. I just don't.

So I am stuck. And I don't know what I'm waiting for, but I'm waiting.

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