Friday, May 20, 2011

Giving up struggling

I was thinking the other day about how long I've been struggling with food. I didn't diet or struggle in my childhood or my youth. I was thin really until I hit my 30s, even though one boyfriend convinced me to lose an additional 15 pounds at one point. I was model thin and miserable because I didn't want to not eat.

I took up running in my 30s and that really helped me maintain my weight but I dieted off and on all the time I was drinking. Then when I got sober, I just stopped controlling my food. Abstaining from alcohol in the beginning was hard enough, and sugary treats really helped me deal with the restlessness that came with early sobriety.

Looking back, of course, I can see that the sweets free-for-all of the next decade led to major weight gain, and while I had stopped being thin by 40, I was only mildly overweight until I hit 50 and then it seemed that suddenly (and of course it was incremental) I was carrying a lot of extra pounds. I would control my food off and on, dabbled in Weight Watchers, OA for a year, but they were all about food, not about why I ate, and I didn't just want to find another soother. I wanted to find a way to need less soothing, heal up the wounds and sorrows, change what I could, accept with grace what I couldn't.

Now I just don't want to be run by food. Weight loss,well, some would be nice, but I want mostly to not be run by food. And I don't want to struggle with it anymore, to feel bad about anything that I don't have to. I want some choice in all this and that's what I'm looking into now.

1 comment:

Bridget B. said...

Yeah - I think that the soothing is a huge part of it for me, too - how can I live a life where I need less soothing?