Friday, May 6, 2011

In the lap of temptation

I'm spending a week at the Oregon coast in my friend Diane's condo. She's generously let me stay here once or twice a year for a long time. I've done some of my best writing there and I think of her as my creative angel. I've also eaten a lot of sugar in that condo: pecan praline cookies from the Waves of Grain, haystack coconut cookies from the bakery in town, homemade caramels from Bruce's candy store, the ever-present Tillamook ice cream. I've made myself sick on many of the best desserts the coast has to offer.

One thing Diane's condo doesn't have is wifi so I've come up to the Waves of Grain to check email and post to the blog. I bought some of their delicious Sleepy Monk coffee and three foccacia rolls and just drooled quietly in front of the four delicious (I know cuz I've tried them all) cookies and the key lime tarts and the florentines and the buttermilk chocolate cupcakes and went and sat down.

I'd like to feel very virtuous and say that I don't really want any of those but that would be a big, fat lie. I'd love to buy six cookies and take them home and eat two or three of them before my friend Pam comes for the weekend and then sneak the three over the next few hours. And therein, of course, lies the problem. I don't want just a bit or even one cookie. I want a handful, a bagful. I want to get sated, maybe even sick. It would take that to satisfy me...and I know I'm better not to start.

Yesterday while I was taking a shower, I noticed that the shampoo at the end of the tub was made by Dove. And of course that made me think of Dove bars and my first one and how yummy they are and how maybe, just maybe I could eat a box of them once a year and that desire and lunacy washed over me for a couple of minutes and I began to plan it out and then thought of the Saturday afternoon in my apartment when I ate 6 boxes of Dove Bars and I knew it was a fantasy, that dream of moderation and occasional eating. I've proved that to myself so many times.

So my friend Sue and I went to an AA meeting and I had a delicious tuna melt at the organic cafe in town and indulged in the corn chips that came with it and forgot about sweets until today. My resolve is strong. It's less a resolve to not eat sweets as it is a resolve to not be run by addiction and saying no is the only way I can get there.


sorella said...

Dear Jill,

As I read this blog entry, it struck me how your writing has been like a sponsor for you on facing your sugar addiction. I am impressed with your ability to articulate all of the feelings that come up around sugar; then you take your writing one step farther and give yourself the *exact* knowing, compassionate support that you need in order to acknowledge those feelings and not surrender to the siren call of that addiction. Brava!


Brendan M said...

Appreciate your honesty and openness Jill. I have noticed in my first month of alcohol sobriety that I am tending to reach for sugar and chocolate since it is a lesser evil - or that's how I am justifying it.
Have been walking a bit too so it so making me think I can eat anything - but I guess putting focus on "things" as means of getting to some emotional place is at the bottom of it.