Thursday, June 23, 2011

Who's in charge of this show anyway?

On Wednesday, I had another amazing session with my therapist. I went in very petulant. I'm tired of these same old issues--my childhood, my weight. And I started talking about just declaring them done. And as I said that, I started to cry. Anna, wise woman that she is, said, "Hmmm, I see there's still a lot of emotion here. Perhaps you're not done yet."

We talked then about doing some body work, some nonverbal work, some feeling-centered work, and I know that's what's needed, and I'm so hesitant to get out of my intellect and go there. Adn we talked about that hesitation too.

She mentioned my inner child and I said, " You mean, Wounded Child Who Eats" and we had a good chuckle about the Native American naming and then I said something I hadn't thought before. About how angry I was with the stupid inner child who didn't save me when I was a kid and is only complicating things for me now.

"She's just trying to help you survive," Anna said. "And eating is how she knows to do that. Just like the part of you I'll call the Abstainer, the Disciplinarian. She's also wanting you to survive by not eating. And your Wise Self needs to hold them both loosely and compassionately."

And suddenly there was just such an opening in my heart and in my mind. For I have spent these many years assuming that the Abstainer/Disciplinarian/Hardworker/Rationalizer was the Wise and Authentic Self. And if she isn't, everything about this changes.

I'm not sure how to verbalize the difference but it has seemed so either/or, so one or the other, for so long, that I have grown to hate the Abstainer and Wounded Child Who Eats and that has meant really hating the only parts of my self I could see. But to grasp the fact that the Wise Self, the Whole and Perfect Self, is neither of these, that changes everything.

2 comments:

sorella said...

Dearest Jill,

What a huge break-through and realization! I think you do a great job of articulating the difference between your wise self and the abstainer/disciplinarian. I feel that all of this work that you've done has lead you to this ability to comprehend this difference -- on an intellectual level, yes, but also on an emotional and spiritual level. This is exciting! I am happy for you, and feel it shedding much-needed light on some of my own issues.

hugs

Bridget B. said...

It was a big realization for me to realize that there was a difference between my "protector" and my "adult" - and it's a lot like that difference between the "disciplinarian" and the "wise self". There IS a part of us that can make balanced, wise choices.

Sadly, I think mine's out to lunch.