If you've been following this blog, you know that I've given up, at least temporarily, my chronic concerns, including weight loss. I've felt quite happy about this. Just letting those thoughts or ideas pass through my mind when they arise, as in meditation, has been a great relief.
But then this week, I noticed that my clothes weren't fitting quite so well, my shirts were a little tighter. Not much, but just a little. So I got on the scale and I had gained 4 pounds. I don't do the scale very often and I know that weight fluctuates so I got on the next two days as well. The 4 pounds were still there. So now I'm tempted to diet, to think about what I'm eating, to worry again. I don't want more weight, I'd love less weight, and I don't know how to change that without obsession.
I thought about my friend Angela, who has been eating differently both to be good to her body, which has been unhappy with some of the foods she's been consuming, and to develop a different relationship with food. Then this week, she blogged about the fact that she had only lost 15 pounds over the course of changing her diet. Weight loss wasn't part of her quest, not ostensibly, but she was disappointed to not be thinner than that. And my heart sank for her and for me both. We can't shake off the culture by saying that our weight isn't an issue. We're conditioned to equate body size with worth. Thin is right, fat is wrong. More fat is wronger.
This is a big conundrum. And I want very much to stay in recovery from weight loss as a chronic issue. So more investigation is clearly called for.