Monday, October 3, 2011

Working on learning to be in my body

I've known for a long time that I don't really inhabit my whole body. One of the first acupuncturists I saw, maybe 10-12 years ago, told me that all the energy in my body was running up to my head and none was running down to my feet. In fact, most of my chi was located from the waist up. This meant of course that I wasn't grounded, but rather floating. At about the same time, I started teaching a course in creativity and the chakras, Hindu energy centers. During our meditatons in the class as well as on my own, I had a great deal of difficulty envisioning the root and sacral chakras in my body. (The root chakra is located approximately where the sex organs are and the sacral chakra is located above it in the belly area. Root chakra is associated with family, community, lineage. It is our foundation in life. The sacral chakra is related to generative creativity: children, imagining, envisioning, innovating.) Since then several massage therapists have commented on the congestion in my lower torso and for years I've suffered from low back, hip pain. Hello!

Attachment disorder didn't just confuse and limit my ability to attach to my mother. It also confused and limited my ability to connect with my self and with my body. That kind of confusion and limitation, that kind of disconnect, has, I think, led in part to my ability to do self-destructive things to my body, like two decades of excessive drinking and two decades of excessive eating. In fact, I wonder if the need to drink to hangover or eat to discomfort has been a way to connect to my body, albeit in a twisted fashion. Something interesting to ponder.

2 comments:

Wilsonius said...

This post is generating so many questions for me. Like you, I've also been challenged with inhabiting my entire body, and frequently felt as if all of my energy and my "self" was lodged in my head, my feet dangling in my neck.
I now am in much of my body, but not all of the time, and certainly not all at once. My pelvis/hips and stomach frequently feel congested, too.
Your post sparked questions for me about the *qualities* of the feeling of lack in the areas I don't fully inhabit. (Perhaps an excellent Focusing project in the making...):
That feeling of congestion--what's the consistency? Static or slow moving? Color? Stillness or deadness? Always? Did I ever feel alive there? If so, when? Was the aliveness of my own or externally generated (perhaps with sex, food, drugs)? Are there different types of aliveness and connection in these areas?
I suppose I could start with the most basic of questions: What can my belly, my hips tell me?
And you won't be surprised when I tell you I "felt the need" to eat before sitting down to write this.

sorella said...

Dear Jill

I love Wilsonius' idea about exploring/asking questions about the quality of the feeling of lack. For myself, it's the middle chakras that are blocked, with lots of energy in my head and in my lower two chakras. It's all about bridging and integration for me. Jill, I imagine -- on the positive side -- that your journey as a creative person has reconnected you with your lower chakras -- not just the sacral one, but also the root chakra. Being creative perhaps grounds you and leads you to feeling safe, connected, part of a community. Thank you for opening up on this interesting and complicated issue. Definitely good things to ponder!

hugs