I had a session with my wonderful therapist, Anna, yesterday and the conversation circled/spiraled back around to food and weight loss. For the past five years, we've moved in and out of that conversation. After about three years, I was able to give up most of the sugar in my diet. But since February 2010, I haven't made much of a move to shift other patterns of what, when, and why I eat.
For a while, I gave up thinking about it, as part of my letting go of chronic concerns, and I was happier until I started gaining weight. Then I lost the weight I'd gained. But with this past illness and the cough hanging on, I'm reading that weight loss can improve lung function and so I find myself falling back into "should" around it. When I mentioned this to Anna, she asked me a couple of questions but I could feel that my answers were the same old things, the same old worry and resistance. I make it a point not to lie to Anna so I couldn't say yes to the questions when yes wasn't the truth. And she'd see right through me anyway.
So she suggested that I just stop being in the food conversation, stop revisiting the spiral. Stop worrying about what I eat or if I should eat that or why can't I stop eating that. To be honest, it wasn't a relief to hear her say that. It was frightening. I've been carrying the worry about these pounds around as long as I've been carrying the pounds. What will I be without that concern? What will I obsess about?
It feels comical in a way but it isn't. I'm sort of lost without this chronic concern. Now what?