On February 14, 2010, I stopped eating desserts: candy, cake, ice cream, pudding, cookies, scones, muffins, waffles, pancakes, anything that is basically a sweet treat. Since then, I've had occasional treats of low-sugar granola or nut bars and all fruit popsicles. And I can no longer deny that over the last several months, the popsicles have gotten out of hand.
I've gone from 1-2 a day of my favorite to a box of 4 a day to 2 boxes a day to 3 boxes a day. I feel uneasy if I don't have a good supply. I eat them whether I'm hungry or not. I mostly don't taste them; I'm just looking to get sated in some way. The ones I'm fixated on are non-fat, low-sugar and made with with clean ingredients and not many calories. But when I'm eating a dozen a day, the sugar adds up, the calories add up, the pounds add up, and the nagging gets louder that I'm back in addiction.
This is not something I realized just today. I admitted the creeping problem last week at my Women and Food group. The old need to have a stash to feel secure. But I didn't want to give it up and so all week I just ate however many I wanted. The old last hurrah!
But yesterday, when I put on first one new shirt and then a second and they were both tight in an unfriendly way, I knew all those bars were settling down to stay. The scale confirmed it this morning. And I am getting myself ready to grieve the loss of this soother, getting ready to be uncomfortable again. Such a process of letting go.