Friday, September 14, 2012

Missing feelings, not flavors

Today is the 11th day free of my beloved banana Popsicles. On Labor Day, I was able to eat the last ones and make a commitment to not purchasing or eating any until Oct 1 or beyond. So far it hasn't been bad. I was away for 5 days with family and we ate well and healthy and I just didn't need them. Home again, I've been able to eat other, healthier snacks when needed and go without snacks some of the time.

I enjoyed them but I was being to eat them really mindlessly so maybe it's not surprising that I don't miss the taste of them. But I do miss the idea of them and the way that idea made me feel. That may sound funny, to crave an idea or a feeling but I do.

When I would come back from the store with a half-dozen boxes of Frut Stix, I would feel very secure, very happy, and almost excited. I had plenty. I wasn't going to run out, I could eat all I wanted, I was safe and satisfaction was waiting for me right there in the freezer.

There's a distinct experience of anxiety for me when I don't have what I need and enough of it. And a feeling of contentment when I do. I had that sense of contentment and enough-ness when I had enough alcohol, especially on a Friday night. Or after I got sober, when I had enough chocolate or enough ice cream or enough sweets. Or lately enough banana Frut Stix.

I miss that sense of contentment, of anticipation of satisfaction, of enough-ness. It's Friday night and I just have to be with not having that. I feel very sad.

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