Saturday, December 29, 2012

Finding it hard to be easy with myself

I'm on retreat this week in a favorite beautiful place. I come here twice a year to write and read and reflect, to move out of the quite busy life I keep going at home. In drawing tarot cards and angel cards the first night, I got contemplation and relaxation, words that aren't easy for me to hear, activities that aren't easy for me to step into.

I'm not good at nothing. Instead I'm good at doing too much with grace and productivity. I'm not only the product of a culture that rewards that, I'm the product of a family that admired that. I'm reluctant to hear those three little words: Take it easy. I know all the physical and mental health reasons why that is such a good idea, and yet something in me mightily resists, a brain that doesn't want to be idle, a body that often runs on free-floating anxiety.

My recent astrological reading was about completion, completing projects and phases so that something new can come. Most of the completion is done; I moved it along before I left home. Now I'm waiting, something I'm not so good at. I'd love to find some kind of dimmer/rheostat for my body and mind so that they didn't have to be full on or full off. Maybe that's what I'm here to learn.

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