Friday, January 18, 2013

chocolate relapse

Okay, I have to say it. I've been in chocolate bar relapse for about three weeks. As many of you know, I moved off desserts and sweet treats on Feb 14, 2010. I didn't worry about tiny amounts of sugar in food and I'd have a spoonful of brown sugar on oatmeal or occasional jam on toast. After the initial withdrawal, it didn't seem too hard and I felt better for it and even lost a few pounds.

Then last fall I had a piece of birthday cake. It wasn't all that great and I didn't eat anything more until Thanksgiving, when I had two bites of berry pie. Again that didn't seem to set me off. But just after Christmas, I went to Trader Joe's and on a whim I bought two very small chocolate caramel candy bars and took them on retreat. I didn't even think about them again until the third day on retreat and found them in a bag of books I'd brought with me. But then I promptly ate them. Both. In a matter of a few minutes. I told no one.

The next day I drove into town and bought enough big chocolate bars that I could eat one a day for the retreat. Which I did. And told no one.

And in the two weeks I've been home, I've eaten another half-dozen, sometimes two in a day. Wow! What an old, old story this is for me! I don't feel a lot of shame around this. It's what an addict does. Eat compulsively, in secret, too much. And a couple of you may even have seen this coming. And maybe I did too. But there it is. Or rather here it is. I just got back from the store. I put three bars in my cart and then I put them back. It has to stop.

I have no illusions that I can do sweets in moderation. I can't. I'm just hoping I can find the willingness again to not do them at all.

2 comments:

Kristen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristen said...

I'm glad you shared this post. I'm in my second year of sobriety and tackling a crippling sugar addiction that reminds me so much of my old relationship with alcohol. Your honesty and willingness to share openly has helped me so much. Thank you.