Friday, February 8, 2013

Virus + Isolation = Trigger

Last Saturday, after weeks of careful use of remedies and potions and preventions, I succumbed to one of the nasty viruses making the circuit. I've had, I think, what one friend called the "clu," more than a cold, less than the flu. I felt something coming on for a couple of days and then I woke up SICK. Feverish, coughing, blowing, crap. I was way down for three days and then slowly began to feel better.

I cancelled everything: work, play, everything and slept and read and watched Netflix in the evenings. I didn't eat much, didn't care (that's when I knew I was really sick). My good neighbor Melanie brought me kleenex and ibuprofen and another friend brought teas and daffodils but other than that, I didn't really see anybody until today (when I was finally well enough to go to acupuncture). And even there I had two very limited exchanges.

Yesterday, I realized I was sinking into some old feelings of isolation. In the last years of my using, there were strings of days, particularly in the summer when I wasn't teaching or during vacations, when I would drink and see and talk to no one unless it was the liquor store clerk. I wouldn't answer the phone (what for?). I wouldn't call anyone. And there's a kind of malaise that goes with that, a soul sickness that is both frightening and seductive.

I live alone and work at home and so I spend a good deal of time on my own. But most days I go to the gym with Melanie or see clients or run errands or have tea with a friend. I'm out and engaged in the world. I haven't been for the last week and while I never once thought of drinking, some of the old -ism was creeping around the edges. Glad I see it for what it is. Glad I made plans to get out tomorrow.

1 comment:

Lily Gael said...

Also glad you saw it for what it was. Your description of the isolation being both frightening and seductive is exact! Thank you for remembering and sharing for all of us. Lily