Sunday, May 12, 2013

Day 63 Flirting with the past

After yesterday's post, my good friend Lily sent me an email. "It's very humbling to feel how much I want to just EAT sometimes, how much food is, and unconscious overeating, is a set of behaviors I have ingrained in me that can still seem so desirable & I can so easily forget the real consequences. Like having a drunken boyfriend I've kicked outta the house, whom I still compulsively think about and I want to call him & meet up again. Maybe it will be different? maybe I didn't give him a fair shake last time? maybe  just one more time? maybe this time it will be different..."

Boy, have I played that tune. Maybe this time I won't eat a dozen ice cream sandwiches in an afternoon. Maybe this time I'll notice each time I put my hand in the bag of caramels. Maybe this time the Cheetos won't call to me from the cupboard at 8 in the morning. Maybe this time I'll throw the rest of the giganto chocolate bar away when I get full.

Lily's comments also made me think of how often in AA I've heard and said to newcomers that it's natural to think about drinking, to want to drink. That's what an alcoholic does: thinks about drinking, wants to drink. And what's natural for a food addict: to think about food, to keep eating. It will take more than 63 days to undo decades of habit and response. I just keep asking for the willingness.

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