Saturday, May 18, 2013

Day 69 Unhooking guilt, shame, and fear from food

There is, I think, a special relationship that we addicts have with shame and fear and guilt, the triumvirate of yuck. For nearly two decades I felt ashamed of my drinking, guilty for the lies I told, fear that I was killing myself. then I got sober and for a few years, I didn't have those three malevolent stooges in my head anymore.

But after about five years of consistent candy consumption, I was deeply hooked into the sugar addiction that had begun when I was a child and I expanded my horizons and became thoroughly habituated to using food as a sedative. And as I put the weight on and more weight and ate a lot of fat and sugar and salt, I felt out of control (shame), and worried about my health (fear), and angry that I couldn't stop myself (guilt). And the Larry, Moe, and Curly of emotions came back from their extended vacation and took up residence again. Although I've been off sugar for more than three years (with one month of relapse), I've been stuck in this place of self-loathing around food, loving it, hating it, fearing it, being ashamed of it, being defiant around it, for way too long.

Even on the plan, I can overeat and I did that this afternoon and for no good reason. I had a good lunch and instead of putting the low-fat corn chips away, I just kept eating them. I was half-aware I was doing it and I didn't care. And I certainly didn't stop myself. But curiously I didn't feel ashamed or guilty. I just felt too full. I ate too much and so I didn't eat too much tonight and maybe I won't eat too much tomorrow.  I don't want to entertain the stooges anymore. And just maybe I have some say in that.

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