Monday, May 27, 2013

Day 78 When no problem is a problem

I'm running out of problems. Of course, that should be good news. But if you've lived most of your life, like I have, with one or more major concerns at all times, there's a certain reluctance, I'm discovering, to being problem-free.

First there was shyness and adolescent awkwardness and not being popular and not having a boyfriend and then there was alcohol and too many boyfriends and more alcohol and the wrong boyfriend and more alcohol and way too many men and all of them wrong and then Mr Right, who had many girlfriends, and then I got fired and that was a big problem and then I got sober and got another job and left Mr. Right-turned-wrong. And for a little while it was okay but then I got fat and got fatter and sugar in its many guises became a huge problem and I worried about it all the time and then I gave up sugar and thought it was solved but I just went on eating other stuff and stayed fat. Now I eat better and may have found a way to be in recovery from food addiction but I'm so reluctant to give up eating whenever I feel like it that I'm worried I'm sabotaging the plan.

So I'm hanging on to that problem and I've just come off nearly 4 weeks of massive overworking (workaholism for sure) and I keep saying I don't want to do that anymore, just like I don't want to overeat, but I am attached to my current BFF (best fundamental flaw).  I don't know that I identify with my problems but I sure feel married to them. At the same time, I'm looking for a way to detach and be okay.

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