Saturday, July 6, 2013

Day 118 Fat, food, and vulnerability

It didn't take a PhD for me to figure out that I started eating compulsively right after I got sober so that I wouldn't have to deal with my feelings. Being newly sober was terrifying. I felt raw and exposed to a world that I had perceived only dimly through the filter of an alcoholic haze. And once those first painful months passed, I kept on eating so that I wouldn't have to deal with some of the potential emotional complications of  dating and intimacy. Eating a lot of fat and sugar was a sensual substitute for sex and affection and since our cultural ideal is a thin woman, I just removed myself from the playing field pound by pound.

I couldn't stand feeling such vulnerability and I didn't have the courage to face it so I ate and ate and ate. Now I eat differently and food doesn't numb me anymore (veggies just don't have that effect). And while I didn't stop eating high-fat foods so I could feel my feelings, I'm finding myself finally open to learning how to do that. I'm not sure where that journey is going to take me but I've taken the first steps.

No comments: