Monday, July 29, 2013

Day 141 Thoughts from my food plan buddy

My Plan buddy, Lily, offered these thoughts on my recent post about struggling. I thought I'd share them with you.

Jill, 

I wonder about the idea that any type of restriction is dieting. My brother no longer eats sugar or foods with sugar other than daily fruit allotment because now, in his early 60’s, he has diabetes.  Is he dieting?  I don't think so; he says his eating, for the first time in his life (!) feels very different from dieting, and he's a master at dieting, losing lots of weight, keeping it off for a year or two, and then gaining it all back. He says what he’s doing with his food and behavior now feels like listening to 'some other part of myself...the smart part.'  Diet-Head food restriction, on the other hand, for him and for me, is more about getting the HIGH from control and restriction; a kind of a Show-Off-for-the-Ego-thing no matter what else we tell others and ourselves at the time (i.e., getting healthier, stronger...etc).  What we are really doing is gettin' high from losing weight and then gettin' high from eating whatever our addiction wants us to eat when the diet “fails” (the fuck-you part of Diet-Head). 

Rather than think of what I am doing with the changes to my food and behavior as dieting, I think of it as surrendering: surrendering my habits, my food choices, and my behavior with food, to the Spirit of All Things Who Loves Me too. I mean, look what 'restricting' or surrendering alcohol (and our best thinking about That!) has given me/you.  For me, it's okay to think of certain foods, along with the accompanying behaviors around those foods, as a surrendering of a food addiction. Surrendering an Addict-Head-thinking that drives me to eat certain foods and have certain, sad, hopeless behaviors around eating them. So, it's true that I look at my eating behaviors as another form of my drug abuse; I know not everyone does. Maybe it's why choosing not to continue something I've done over and over and over again with food and expecting different results each time, really does feel like sanity to me, not dieting (which feels like insanity!).

Follow your gut, Jill, of course. It's what we need to practice. The walk for me has been to get out of the "good" girl/"bad" girl dichotomy completely:  to thank them for helping me survive and then say goodbye so I can listen to my wise Self, the dharma-middle way, that in-between Wisdom where I have access the Spirit of All Things Who Loves Me too most of the time: to guiding me, and show me in little signs and surprise happenings what change to experiment with next. 

It's a fierce struggle this food addiction thing. I love that you are vulnerable in your blog and let me in to the way you think and struggle and surrender. I LOVE having you as my food buddy and my good friend. 


Lily  

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