Sunday, August 11, 2013

Day 154 A post I've been putting off writing

Last week, I had a session with my wonderful spiritual director, Anna. I was catching her up on my progress with the food plan and when I started talking about how I felt such overwhelming resistance to suggestions to plan out my food and eat on a schedule, I started to cry. After a minute, she asked me how old the self was who was resisting and I thought for a moment and then said 8 or 9.

"Perhaps your child self only knows how to get in touch with you through hunger," she said. "It certainly seems to get your attention."

"What does?"

"Hunger," she said. "Or what feels like hunger."

And I realized that while I'm willing to admit there's an emotional component to some of my hunger feelings, I've always assumed it was my adult self that was bored or restless. It never occurred to me that it was a sad and lonely little girl who needs attention and could only fix it for herself by eating toast with butter and sugar or candy bars.

I sat with the rightness of that for a few minutes and then we talked some more. Anna wasn't advocating not feeding her but rather listening to her, letting her have her feelings, which I have repressed for so many decades. Wish that sounded easy.

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