Thursday, November 14, 2013

Day 248 Trying to make an old anesthetic work

This last week, I slipped and fell into a bit of a dark space. First came the post-retreat letdown that I often forget about. Writing retreats are both really relaxing and really productive, and the high level of satisfaction I get from them makes coming back to ordinary life sometimes difficult, especially when I have a lot of paid work waiting for me, as I did this past week. So about Saturday (I got home Wednesday), I started to feel a bit blue. The weather too has turned cold and damp and it's dark late in the afternoon.

Then on Monday morning, I had an intense and deep and difficult conversation with my spiritual director about intimacy and getting my needs met from family and friends, and my old tapes of invisibility and inadequacy started playing really loudly and I became very sad. So I turned to one of my oldest and most cherished friends: Sugar! I bought myself a handful of chocolate caramel bars and ate 2 or 3 a day for four days.

I was profoundly disappointed to discover that I did not get numb, just full and a little nauseated. And while I enjoyed the flavors, they were no more delicious than other foods I eat. So I just had to sit with my feelings until they subsided. I survived and still have tender feelings, but I can see that food just isn't my savior anymore.

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